You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
