mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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