so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
