i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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