last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
