I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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