So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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