So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
