I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
