I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Barsexuality is the new black.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
