I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
