Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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