I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
