I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
