Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
