goodnight i made you a song goodbye
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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