From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
COCAINE IS GR8
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
