I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
