Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
