mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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