Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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