Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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