The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
