and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
