I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
