life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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