Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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