anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
