You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize