life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
