Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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