first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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