I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I deserve this hangover.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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