Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
