Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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