I CAN MOONWALK!
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize