i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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