his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
