saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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