Can i not drive my cunt home
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
