I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
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