So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Randomize