: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
my phone needs a breathalizer
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
