Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize