Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Randomize
