Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
