I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
