I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
