Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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