Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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