I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
