i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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