The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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