my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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