I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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