i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
