It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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