Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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