he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
