also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
