I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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