I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
