Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
