overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
