Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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