Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
